I’ll be honest here, I am not the mom on Facebook talking about how sad I am that my kids are heading back to school. I mean, I absolutely love my kids but summers are hard on our family. I’m a working mom so my schedule doesn’t change much except for that in addition to work I have to add in taxi driving to swimming lessons and t-ball, ever changing therapy appointments, vacations, and knowing that while I’m at work my kiddos are home running my sweet sister-in-law/nanny ragged. Summer used to seriously be my very favorite season but not anymore. I.NEED.MY.STRUCTURED.LIFE!

Now having said all that, I have to admit that as school started this year I walked around with my game face on, but in reality I was in this weird daze. I felt like I was going to break down and sob at any moment for weeks. I think another autism mom who I stalk follow on Instagram hit the nail on the head when she said that her son was supposed to be starting his first full day of school this year but it was his 4th! Just like Bridger. It’s his first grade year but he’s been going to school/therapy all day for years. That mom said her heart is messed up and I agree wholeheartedly (with my whole messed up heart), hence the state of emotional duress as I sent my sweet 6 year old who doesn’t even talk, on a big yellow bus for 8 hours a day to yet another new school with complete strangers. How much can a mommy take???

After a couple good cries in the privacy of a locked bathroom and a few weeks under our belt, the fog is lifting. Bridger isn’t falling asleep at the dinner table after all day at school and two hours of behavior therapy anymore. He actually thrives off his rigid routine. He seems happier, crying a lot less and he’s communicating much better. Even though I miss him while he tends to his busy schedule, I know we’re giving him the best chance to succeed.

So we’ll keep running our crazy rat race, disguised by a carefully planned out and color coded calendar on the white board hanging on the kitchen wall. And when I climb into bed each night exhausted, I’ll remember to be thankful that it’s fall and not the lazy days of summer…

“Some days I don’t know if I am wrong or right. Your mind is playing tricks on you, my dear. ‘Cause though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore…”–Of Monsters and Men